


Roll The Credits

by lhknox



Series: As Time Goes By [1]
Category: The 100, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, College AU, F/F, Films, Passion, Romance, Romantic Comedy, just a tiny bit of Angst, lexa loves movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:31:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7781647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lhknox/pseuds/lhknox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When Clarke kisses Lexa, the world ceases. Gravity stops and instead, Clarke tethers Lexa to the earth, the girl with sky-blue eyes Lexa’s only anchor to the physical plain. If Lexa were to die in the next two minutes, she would die the happiest person alive, and then be brought back to life by the sheer need to hold Clarke’s body close to her own."</p>
<p>or,</p>
<p>Lexa loves movies more than anything else.</p>
<p>And then she meets Clarke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roll The Credits

**Author's Note:**

> it took everything in me not to name this fic after a Hannah Montana song. Enjoy.

Lexa fucking loves movies. 

 

Films have been the one major constant in her life for as long as she can remember, bringing comfort and contentment to a world filled with anything but. She can never really pinpoint exactly what it is that she loves so much, because truthfully it’s  _ everything. _ It’s the dialogue that cuts through her, the cinematography that could move a blind man, the swell of a score that takes her breath away. Her friends tease her (and her spreadsheet that keeps track of the films she’s seen) but she doesn’t care; she’s always the first to be chosen on Trivia Night and they always let her choose which movie to watch for Movie Night because her taste is impeccable. Her parents may have wanted a doctor or a congressman in the family, but her heart was set on being a film major, studying scenes and dreaming up characters and devoting her life to a medium that made her truly happy. 

 

Her happiness is called into question one Movie Night. Lexa wanders around her apartment, placing the night’s snacks on the table and double checking that she’s gotten out the right movie hard drive. She’s been looking forward to this movie night all summer; she hasn’t seen her friends in two months, and Movie Night is the perfect reunion.

 

“Hey Lincoln,” she says answering the phone.

 

“Lex,” he greets, “Just letting you know--”

 

“If you bail on movie night right now I’m gonna kick your ass” She hears him laugh on the other end of the line.

 

“I’m not bailing. I’m just letting you know that Octavia’s bringing a friend.”

 

“ _ Lincoln. _ I’m gonna kill you.”

 

“Oh, come on, Lexa, it’s just one extra person.”

 

“I needed a night to unwind with my two best friends and Octavia, not entertain new people.”

 

“First of all, person. Singular. Second, It’s a movie night. She’ll be entertained by the movie.” Lexa sighs, knowing she’s fighting a losing battle.

 

“Fine. But I’m not being friendly.”

 

“Goodbye, Commander.”

 

She hangs up the phone with a huff, angry at her friend. Lexa finds new people exhausting and she knows she’ll spend the entire night keeping a wary eye on the stranger in her apartment. Knowing she needs to calm down a bit, she pulls up her favourite guilty pleasure movie on her laptop and starts watching.

 

\--

 

She doesn’t bother standing up when there’s a knock at the door, rather, she waits the 0.3 seconds before her friend barges into the apartment.

 

“Anya,” she greets without lifting her her gaze from the computer screen.

 

“Commander,” comes the reply, along with Anya’s body flopping down onto the couch beside Lexa. 

 

“Have you met this person Lincoln and Octavia are bringing?” Lexa inquires.

 

“Nope,” Anya says, “sorry.”

 

“If she ruins movie night--”

 

“You need to fucking relax. The only person who’s gonna ruin tonight at this point is you.”

 

Lexa sighs, give a small nod of her head. She knows Anya is right, but that doesn’t mean she can’t remain silently bitter.

 

The doorbell rings as Anya sits beside Lexa, and the two girls call out at the same time.

 

“Door’s open.”

 

Time slows down as the door swings open, and Lexa’s almost certain it’s because an angel timidly enters her apartment. An angel made from long blond hair and bright blue eyes, an angel that’s smiling directly at Lexa. 

 

“Hey guys,” Lincoln greets, entering behind the angel, Octavia trailing behind him. He deposits three pizzas on the table, and quickly claims the two seater for himself and his girlfriend. Lexa frowns as she feels a sharp elbow in her side.

 

“Ow,” she grumbles at Anya, “that hurt.”

 

“Comm, you’ve been staring at Blondie for a weird amount of time.” Sure enough, when Lexa glances back up at the newcomer, she’s staring back, bemused.

 

_ Well fucking great I look like an idiot. _

 

“Uh, hi,” she offers awkwardly, extending her hand, “I’m Lexa.”

 

“Clarke,” the blond responds.

 

“Let’s get this fucking thing started before Lexa makes anyone else uncomfortable,” Anya declares, earning a laugh from Clarke and a glare from Lexa. But it doesn’t last too long; the film student is too busy committing Clarke’s melodic laugh to memory.

 

“What’re we watching?” Octavia asks, taking a seat by her boyfriend. Lexa tries to ignore the fact that the blonde angel is sitting way too far away from her.

 

“Spotlight,” Lexa announces, plugging her hard drive into the TV. “A modern masterpiece.” 

 

“Eh, it was okay,” Clarke says. Lexa whirls around, staring daggers at the girl, the angel’s halo falling to the floor and smashing.

 

“Okay?  _ Okay??” _ Lexa works quickly to swallow her anger before she begins attacking the girl. Anya reaches for a beer, enjoying herself way too much. “Clarke, Spotlight-- an Academy Award winning movie-- was a little better than ‘okay’.”

 

“I’ve seen better movies.”

 

“No.”

 

“You can’t tell me I haven’t seen better movies,” Clarke laughs.

 

“Spotlight is a God-tier movie, Clarke.”

 

“Am I supposed to know what that means?”

 

“It means it’s fucking beyond fantastic, that’s what.”

 

“I just didn’t like it, that’s all.”

 

“What’s your favourite movie then, Love Actually?” Lexa asks with a snort.

 

“Yeah, actually it is. You got a problem with that?” Clarke challenges, raising an eyebrow at her host. Lexa stares back defiantly, an internal battle waging within her. She can either tear the girl apart with her film expertise (and obsession) or she can not be a massive dickhead to the newcomer.

 

“Fine. We’ll watch a different movie,” she finally says, wincing as the words leave her mouth.

 

Her friends and Octavia gasp, their eyes wide as Lexa opens her movie spreadsheet, ignoring them.

 

“This is the first time someone’s ever successfully challenged the Commander,” Anya says, still wide-eyed.

 

“And on a God-tier movie, too,” Lincoln adds.

 

“Holy shit,” Octavia whispers.

 

“Look, I didn’t mean to start anything, honestly. We can watch Spotlight,” Clarke offers hesitantly.

 

“No, no. We’ll watch this instead,” Lexa replies with a tone of finality. Her friends moan in unison when they see her second choice.

 

“Again?” Octavia grumbles, “we’ve seen Casablanca fifty times.”

 

“As you should, it’s a classic,” Lexa replies, as the film begins. She tosses a quick glance to Clarke whose upturned lips betray the rest of her passive face.

 

\--

 

When the movie finishes, nobody makes a move to leave, instead launch into an argument that they’ve clearly had several times before.

 

“There’s no way you still think she decided to leave,” Octavia scoffs at Anya. “He sent her because he loved her.”

 

“She left because she knew she could have a comfortable life with Victor,” Anya says, “it was war time, you had to be practical.”

 

“Exactly! And Rick was being practical by sending the love of his life to America! He’d rather her safe and sound,” Octavia argues with a fold of her arms.

 

“You’re both idiots,” Lexa sighs, “And I swear, one day you’re gonna make me regret ever showing you When Harry Met Sally and starting this godforsaken argument.” Octavia and Anya choose to ignore their friend, instead launching back into their bickering.

 

“Well what does everyone else think?” Lexa cuts across the top of them, mostly just hoping that maybe Clarke will contribute to the discussion. She’s not disappointed.

 

“I get that it’s romantic, I get that it’s a classic, but at the end of a day if you’re in an adult relationship you can’t just make the choices for the other person. Rick could’ve discussed the whole situation with the love of his life instead of playing the martyr. Wouldn’t have made for as good an ending, so it’s kind of all a moot point, and I think we know that it’s a silly argument from the moment we saw it-- albeit at separate times-- in When Harry Met Sally. The whole debate was clearly constructed by Ephron in an attempt to both underscore Sally’s lack of romantic past and pedantic nature and give Harry a chance to tease her about her sex life.” When nobody answers, instead just looking at her like she’s an alien, Clarke just rolls her eyes.

 

“Forget I said anything at all, you plebs.”

 

Lexa thinks she’s in love.

 

She misses the sly smile that passes between Lincoln and Octavia.

 

“We should call it a night,” Lincoln says, helping his girlfriend stand up, “thanks for movie night, Commander.” He raises an eyebrow to Anya.

 

“Right. Yeah. Got class super early tomorrow, can’t help you clean up.” Lexa eyes Anya suspiciously.

 

“Clarke was it?” Anya continues, “Do you mind staying and helping Lexa clean up? It’s usually my job.”

 

“Uh, sure?”

 

“Anya you’ve never once helped me clean anything in the ten years I’ve known you.”

 

“‘Kaybyeseeyoulater,” Anya calls out, pulling the door shut behind the three friends, and leaving Lexa alone with Clarke in the apartment. Lexa turns to face the beauty who’s already started picking up empty beer bottles.

 

“So I think this might have been a set-up,” Lexa says, frowning in confusion. Clarke laughs, until she sees that Lexa is serious.

 

“They didn’t tell you?” the blonde asks incredulously.

 

“They told you?” Lexa replies, scandalized. “If I had known I would’ve at least attempted a better first impression.”

 

“It’s okay, I now understand that I was crashing movie night with your friends.”

 

“They’re not my friends,” Lexa mutters, “those assholes.” Clarke laughs again, and Lexa feels her stomach fill with butterflies. There’s something about the blonde that makes Lexa’s head spin, and it’s quite disconcerting, seeing as they’ve only known each other for a few hours. She pushes the concern from her mind, focusing on cleaning up the small mess left behind by her supposed friends. The two girls work in comfortable silence, Clarke only speaks again as Lexa walks her to the door.

 

“So maybe you can give me a bit of a movie-cation, seeing as you’re so knowledgeable,” she says, and Lexa blushes.

 

“You should know that I charge by the hour for my expertise,” Lexa replies, hoping to god that whatever she’s saying can be seen as flirty.

 

“What’s your going rate?”

 

“A large plain pizza and a six-pack of beer, but for you, I can make a deal.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Any sized pizza of your choice and I’ll provide the drinks and movie.”

 

“Friday night good for you?” Lexa smiles at Clarke, her heart racing at the thought of saying the next few words.

 

“It’s a date.”

 

Clarke leaves and Lexa sinks into her couch, her smile so big her cheeks hurt. She whips out her phone and texts the Movie Night group chat.

 

**Lexa (11:30pm):** thanks for the heads up you fuckwits

**Lexa (11:30pm):** apparently i was on a blind date i knew nothing about

**Lexa (11:30pm):** youre the worst 

 

**Octavia (11:32pm):** how did alone time go?????

 

**Lincoln (11:34pm):** sorry Comm I was sworn to secrecy :(

 

**Octavia (11:34pm):** traitor.

 

**Anya (11:35pm):** did u do it w the hottie, C?

 

**Lexa (11:38pm):** yall are high if you think im gonna tell you shit.

**Lexa (11:39pm):** …..

**Lexa (11:39pm):** we’re seeing each other friday

 

**Anya (11:40pm):** let us know if shes a good lay xx

 

///

 

Lexa nurses a glass of red wine, appreciating the heated courage it leaves dancing in her chest when she sips it. The film she had chosen (Bicycle Thieves, Vittorio De Sica, 1948) had ended a while ago, and the two girls sit and talk.

 

“I’m sorry for making you sit through that movie,” Lexa says.

 

“Why? It’s a classic, I can see why you chose it.”

 

“I just assumed you’re more of a rom-com kind of girl, seeing as your favorite movie is Love Actually.” Clarke laughs.

 

“Just because I love romantic comedies doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good film when I see it.”

 

“And yet you hated Spotlight,” Lexa quips. Clarke laughs again. Lexa could get used to hearing that sound.

 

“I actually really liked Spotlight. Octavia told me to argue about your movie choice because Anya ‘wanted to have some fun’ or something like that.” Lexa groans. Her friends were assholes. Assholes who had introduced her to a wonderful, wonderful person.

 

“What started it?” Clarke asks, sipping her drink.

 

“The movie obsession?” Lexa confirms, and continues when she receives a nod from Clarke.

 

“When I was born--”

 

“It goes right back to the beginning, does it?” Lexa chuckles softly.

 

“I was born really premature, at like, five and a half months,” Lexa tells her date, ignoring Clarke’s soft groan of sympathy. “The only lasting effects from it all is my terrible eyesight and my piss-weak lungs. When I was little, I was in and out of hospital almost constantly, especially when I hit elementary school. I pushed my limits, I ran and played sports and screamed and neither my lungs or parents could handle me. So I was in that hospital bed with not much to keep me sane. The movies started when I finished all the books in the local library in the twelve year old bracket.”

 

“Why not just start reading books for teenagers and stuff?”

 

“I was six.”

 

“You’re such a nerd,” Clarke laughs, and Lexa embraces the butterflies that accompany the sound.

 

“Anyway, so I finished all the books, and then had nothing else. My parents brought in our DVD-VHS player, and rented all the old classics. That first day, I watched The Wizard of Oz five times. The colors and the pictures… I just remember feeling so at home. It was like the rest of the world melted away and I was a part of something so spectacular and great.”

 

“Do films still make you feel like that?” Clarke asks softly, her blue eyes filled with an emotion Lexa can’t quite place.

 

“The good ones do. The best ones make my chest hurt because they make me want it to bad.”

 

“Want what?”

 

“Making movies. Writing and directing and being part of the world I’ve been obsessed with since I was a kid. I watch great movies and it makes me ache that I’m still in college and waiting for my life to start before I can contribute and attempt to make somebody feel the way that movies make me feel.” Clarke doesn’t respond when Lexa finishes her rant. Instead, she slowly closes the space between them, edging closer to the brunette whose breath hitches in her throat. 

 

When Clarke kisses Lexa, the world ceases. Gravity stops and instead, Clarke tethers Lexa to the earth, the girl with sky-blue eyes Lexa’s only anchor to the physical plain. If Lexa were to die in the next two minutes, she would die the happiest person alive, and then be brought back to life by the sheer need to hold Clarke’s body close to her own. Kissing Clarke feels good. It feels right. It feels--

 

Clarke pulls away licking her lips, and making Lexa gasp for air.

 

“I have two questions,” she says, and all Lexa can do is nod. “And you have to answer truthfully.” The brunette nods again, entranced by her date’s voice.

 

“Do you still have any lung problems?”

 

“I carry an inhaler, get pneumonia about once a year, and get short of breath when beautiful girls kiss me,” Lexa responds, earning a grin and a small peck from Clarke.

 

“Second,” she continues, “who’s gonna play me in the movie you’re gonna write about us?” Lexa laughs, pulling Clarke back to her, and kissing her like her life depends on it.

 

///

 

Their date goes well enough to warrant several more, and then dates turn into sleepovers and study sessions and soon they spend more time together than they do apart. And before they know it, it’s almost winter vacation and they’re having one last Movie Night before heading home for the break. Lexa knows she’s falling fast for Clarke, and she would be terrified if it weren’t for the patient blue eyes that keep her grounded and calm. It’s as though her life is turning into a movie of its own, filled with the perfect love interest and intense feelings. She just hopes her life can skip the drama that inevitably accompanies romantic comedies.

 

“So what’re we watching?” Clarke asks while Lexa checks her spreadsheet.

 

“Well it’s a double feature because it’ll be the last one for like a month, so we’re going light hearted and college themed. Animal House and Legally Blonde,” Lexa replies without looking up from her screen.

 

“Lex,” Clarke tries to get her attention. “Babe.” It doesn’t work. Clarke leans over the top of Lexa’s laptop and kisses her.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I have a question.”

 

“Well you have my attention.”

 

“Remember my first movie night?”

 

“Hard to forget, Clarke. You rejected my movie choice.”

 

“You’ve yet to tell me what a god-tier movie is.” Lexa sighs, her face going red.

 

“I don’t want to. It’s embarrassing,” she mutters, “you’ll just make fun of me like everyone else does.”

 

“I promise you I won’t,” Clarke says solemnly, playing with her girlfriend’s hair.

 

“First, you have to know that you don’t get to appoint the title of god-tier, it happens naturally and you don’t know when it’ll happen.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Only two movies have ever reached my god-tier. Each arrived at very distinct times in my life. The first time I was sixteen and the movie was The Perks of Being A Wallflower. The second time, I was twenty and, as you probably remember, it was Spotlight.”

 

“But what exactly happens?” Clarke questions, and Lexa takes a deep breath.

 

“It happens in steps. You’re watching the movie, and suddenly you feel something. Like… like somehow you know that when the movie ends you’ll be different. You can feel it change you in the most otherworldly type of way. Everything about the movie just embeds itself in you. The music, the dialogue, the cinematography. And it burrows in there and you just know that the story this film is telling is so so important. And you watch and you watch and long after the credits roll, you’re still just staring at that screen. You can’t talk, because as soon as you open your mouth, you’ll leave that moment forever. So instead, you go…” Lexa trails off wistfully.

 

“And??” Clarke demands.

 

“You go to a bathroom, or a secluded area, and you sit, and you burst into tears because there’s nothing more wonderful than feeling change course through your veins.”

 

“I’m in love with you.” Lexa stares at Clarke in wonder. In a split second, the walls of her soul come crashing down, rebuilding themselves with Clarke at their center. Clarke ties her to this world, she is an angel who holds the universe in her eyes, she’s---

 

“Holy shit, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Clarke mumbles, standing red-faced and pacing back and forth. “That was stupid. You’re not saying anything, and it’s way too early for those words and, and--” Lexa stands and holds Clarke still long enough for her to stare into the blue irises.

 

“Clarke, stop.”

 

“I’m sorry--”

 

“I love you, too.” Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes, blue meeting green, heaven meeting earth.

 

“You do?”

 

“I love you more than I’ve loved anyone before. And I know it’s too early into this relationship to say things like that, but it’s true. Words cannot describe the way you make me feel. I love you. I love you.” Clarke falls into Lexa’s embrace, the two girls sharing the warmth of their love. They stay, frozen together until they hear the sound of fake vomiting coming from behind them.

 

“Get a room, lovebirds,” Anya says, walking in and sitting in the middle of the big couch.

 

“We had a room, we had a whole apartment,” Lexa says through gritted teeth, but Anya ignores her, plonking her feet on the coffee table.

 

“We brought the goods,” Lincoln calls, walking in with a pizza in one hand, Octavia’s hand in the other.

 

“We’re watching Animal House,” Lexa tells Lincoln, and he grins broadly.

 

“One of my favourites. You’re a legend, Commander.” Clarke frowns.

 

“How did that nickname start?” she asks, always curious about the hidden mysteries of Lexa’s life. Anya laughs loudly, and Lexa narrows her eyes.

 

“Anya, no,” she says sternly.

 

“Anya, yes,” her friend replies, winking at Lexa. “One of our first Movie Nights ever, we watch one of Lexa’s favourite movies of all time: A Few Good Men.” Lexa smothers herself with a pillow, her groan muffled by the fabric.

 

“This is back before we banned vodka from Movie Night and replaced it with beer, because not only does vodka get Lexa drunk super quick, but it makes her  _ super _ chatty.” Anya wiggles her eyebrows at Clarke and the blonde laughs, excited for the rest of the story.

 

“Anyway, we get to the climax of the film, right? Jack Nicholson’s about to deliver one of, if not  _ the _ greatest monologue in cinematic history, and what’s the only thing that Lexa can talk about at top volume? How Demi Moore playing Lieutenant Commander JoAnne Galloway made her realize that she was gay. All she does is talk about Demi fuckin’ Moore in that goddamn uniform and how she has dreams where she’s fucking Commander Demi.” 

 

Lexa blushes darker than Clarke’s ever seen while Lincoln and Octavia laugh at the story despite having heard it a thousand times. Clarke laughs along with them, but pulls Lexa into her embrace as she does so, kissing her softly.

 

“That’s hilarious, you silly nerd,” she says affectionately.

 

“It’s their fault for getting me drunk,” Lexa replies, earning scoffs from Anya.

 

“As long as you love me more than Demi Moore, Commander,” Clarke whispers into Lexa’s ear, and Lexa smiles up at her girlfriend.

 

“You have nothing to worry about, Lieutenant.”

 

///

 

They lie together, limbs entwined, content with nothing but each other. Clarke runs her fingers along Lexa’s tattooed arm, eliciting a small sigh from the brunette.

 

“I’ve got to get up soon,” Clarke whispers, “I need to start packing.”

 

“Shh,” Lexa replies, “no talking, please.” She rolls over so she can face her girlfriend, and smiles lazily when she sees the blue of Clarke’s eyes. Clarke leans over and places a small kiss on Lexa’s lips, and despite their couple of months together, Lexa’s heart still skips a beat.

 

“Come home with me,” Clarke says, and Lexa sits up a bit further.

 

“For Christmas?” Lexa asks incredulously. Clarke blushes, embarrassed.

 

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s silly. You’ll wanna be with your family. Forget I said anything.” Lexa rolls her eyes and closes the small space between them.

 

“I’d love to come home with you,” she says softly, pressing a small kiss to Clarke’s cheek. “I would love to meet your mother.” She kisses the other cheek. “And see your childhood bedroom.” She kisses Clarke’s smiling lips.

 

“I’ll go call my mom,” Clarke tells her, leaving the warmth of Lexa’s bed. Lexa sighs slowly, picking up her phone from the bedside table. She knows her parents are going to give her grief for not coming home for the holidays, but she needs to call them sooner or later. She dials her mother’s number.

 

“Hey, ma,” she says, “it’s me.”

 

///

 

“What the fuck is going on?” Anya asks entering the apartment. Lexa paces angrily across the room, pausing every so often to rest her head in her hands and suppress a scream.

 

“Clarke, what happened?” she asks again.

 

“I’m so sorry I had to call,” the blonde tells her, “I’ve never seen her like this. She’s not responding at all.” Lexa doesn’t acknowledge her girlfriend or her best friend, still caught in her own head.

 

“Lexa, what’s wrong?” Anya asks, not garnering any response. The blonde grabs Lexa by her shoulders. “Lexa, calm down.”

 

“I can’t fucking calm down,” she roars, “not when I’ve got the parents I’ve got, not when I still have to put up with this shit!”

 

“Lexa,” Anya tries again, “just take a breath. What’s happened?”

 

“What’s happened,” Lexa seethes, “is that my parents are as manipulative and cold as ever. They don’t speak to me for three months, but still expect me home for the holidays. They don’t care about anything to do with my life but the second I tell them I have a girlfriend they tell me it’s unacceptable. They spend my whole life telling me I’ll never live up to their expectations, and still feel the need to tell me what a disappointment I am. I’m just so sick of them, Ahn. I’m ready to cut them off.”

 

“Lexa, we talked about it. Wait til they’ve paid for college, remember?”

 

“I can’t, I can’t do this anymore. Just thinking about them makes me sick, and having them in my life makes me miserable.”

 

“Lex,” Clarke speaks up, “you can’t just cut off your parents because of me--”

 

“This isn’t because of you,” Lexa replies, “this is because they’re grade-A assholes who think that they own me.”

 

“I mean, I think you’ll regret cutting them off.” Lexa laughs humorlessly.

 

“I don’t think I’d ever regret it.”

 

“I’m just saying, if it were my dad were alive--”

 

“But he’s not, he’s dead!” Lexa explodes, “you don’t have a father, so please just stay out of something you can’t understand!”

 

Before anybody can react, before Lexa’s eyes widen as she realises what she’s said, Clarke is out the door. Anya steps back in front of Lexa.

 

“You’re not allowed to fucking speak to anyone like that,  _ especially _ not Clarke. Do you hear me?” Lexa nods, slowly coming back to real life.

 

“I fucked up, didn’t I?”

 

///

 

“Let me in, Clarke, please,” Lexa calls, knocking on the blonde’s dorm door. “Please give me a chance to apologize. If this were a movie, it would be raining and poetic, but it’s just really fucking cold and Lexa can no longer feel her toes.

 

“Please Clarke?” The door opens, but Lexa’s hope dies as she sees Octavia’s face and not Clarke’s.

 

“She doesn’t want you here, Lexa,” the girl says curtly. Lexa rubs a hand over her tired eyes.

 

“Octavia, I’m desperate. I need to see her.”

 

“Yeah, well you should’ve thought of that before you were an asshole.” Octavia slams the door in Lexa’s face. 

 

If she knew that love would hurt this much, Lexa would’ve taken her mother’s advice from all those years ago.  _ Love is weakness _ . Until now, love had been nothing but warmth and comfort. But mix it with rash actions and anger, and love had created a pit of darkness weighing Lexa down and she had no one to blame for it but herself.

 

///

 

“How is school, Alexandria?”

 

Lexa is fucking miserable. It’s Christmas Eve and she sits across from her mother, a stern woman with raven hair and sharp eyes. Her father hasn’t made an appearance yet, still caught up at work.

 

“It’s good, ma.”

 

“Made any…  _ films _ lately?” The way Isobel Woods says ‘films’ makes Lexa’s blood boil, her voice filled with disdain and mocking.

 

“Well actually, mother, I’ve been rather busy lately.”

 

“A boy?” Lexa can feel her blood boil. She’s been out since she was sixteen, and her sexuality seemed to be the only thing in her life that her parents actually cared about.

 

“You know perfectly well that a boy will never hold my attention.”

 

“Well then you haven’t met the right one yet.” 

 

Lexa slams down her fork and knife, Isobel flinching at the loud sound.

 

“Her name is Clarke, and she is wonderful. She’s funny and warm, and she has more compassion in her right pinky than you have in your entire body.”

 

“I don’t care for your tone--”

 

“I don’t give a fuck what you care for, Isobel. Because you are a petty woman filled with nothing but hate, and you’ve done nothing but disappoint me from the moment I was old enough to understand what a parent is supposed to be. You don’t deserve to meet Clarke. You don’t even deserve to know what she looks like.”

 

Isobel’s eyes bore into Lexa’s, trying to find a weakness.

 

“You come in here, and you throw around a few ideas about love, play the victim and tell me that I’m a disappointment? Disappointment is having your only daughter choose film as her college major, even after being the Valedictorian at an expensive private school. Disappointment is having an ungrateful little know-it-all that thinks she’s entitled to the world. Disappointment, Alexandria, is having your daughter tell you she’s a dyke and then pretend like it’s natural and not an abomination. You don’t know disappointment, Lexa, but you’ve most definitely provided me with enough of it to last a lifetime.”

 

Lexa slowly wipes her mouth with her napkin, before standing and pushing in her chair.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Isobel demands, waiting for the rise she wanted to get out of her daughter.

 

“Somewhere far away from you. I’d hate for your Christmas to be marred by your disappointments.” Lexa leaves the dining room, her hands shaking and only one person on her mind.

 

///

 

It might not be snowing in California, but the cold is getting to Lexa’s chest and she guesses she should probably ring the doorbell right now. She takes a deep breath before pressing the button. Her heart races as the door opens and she sees--

 

“You’re not Clarke,” she frowns. The older blond raises an eyebrow.

 

“And you’re not anybody I know.” 

 

“Uh, right,” Lexa replies, “I was kind of hoping Clarke would open the door…”

 

“I’m sorry, who are you?” the woman asks, “and why do you have all that cardboard?”

 

“My name’s Lexa, I’m in love with your daughter, and in the middle of trying to apologize for fucking up. I beg you, Abby, please can you shut this door in my face and get your daughter to open it?” 

 

Amused, Abby shuts the door slowly, and Lexa tries to calm her breathing before the door opens again. She hears Clarke before she sees her.

 

“Mom, what’s going on?”

 

Clarke stops when she sees Lexa. Her face flashes betrayal and wonder and settles somewhere on confused.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asks sharply, “you’re supposed to be in D.C.” Lexa pushes play on her iPhone, and a soft voice starts singing Silent Night. She holds up the cards.

 

**I watched Love Actually on the Red Eye--**

 

**Despite its clear misogyny**

 

**And horrible storylines--**

 

**because I missed you,**

 

**But I digress.**

 

**With any luck by next year**

 

**I’ll be an Oscar-winning director**

 

**And you’ll still be my muse.**

 

**But for now let me say**

 

**Without hope or agenda**

 

**Just because it’s Christmas--**

 

**(and at Christmas you tell the truth)**

 

**To me you are perfect**

 

**And my wasted heart will love you**

 

**Until the moment you tell me to stop.**

 

**Merry Christmas.**

 

Lexa presses pause on her iPhone, and stares at her feet, too afraid to look Clarke in the eye.

 

“Why are you here, Lexa?” Clarke asks again, this time softer. Lexa looks up, green meeting blue, forest meeting sky.

 

“Because I went home for the holidays. I said some things, my mother said some things, and I realized last night that the house I grew up in will never be as warm as the home I made in your arms. I’ve said it before, I know it’s crazy to feel like this for somebody I met a few months ago, but Clarke. I love you. I love you so much I don’t know what to do with myself. 

 

“I said some disgustingly terrible things to you, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I swear, that if you give me a chance, I will spend the rest of my days trying to be a person that you deserve. Because you deserve a lot more than I can give you. You are perfection, Clarke Griffin. And you are all of the perfection that this flawed life needs.”

 

“I don’t know if I can forgive you yet,” Clarke whispers.

 

“I know,” Lexa replies, “but I’m willing to wait.”

 

Clarke steps out her front door, and Lexa steps towards her. She waits for Clarke to close the distance, kissing Lexa so softly the brunette is sure she imagined it.

 

“I love you, Lexa,” Clarke says, and Lexa’s heart swells. She smiles at her girlfriend, wondering how she got so lucky.

 

“I love you, too, Clarke,” Lexa replies, kissing Clarke once more. The kiss is cut short by Lexa’s hacking cough.

 

“You stupid idiot, get inside before you kill your lungs,” Clarke almost yells, and Lexa just smiles sheepishly.

 

She’ll spend the day getting to know Abby and her boyfriend Marcus, telling them about her ambitions, how her and Clarke met, why she isn’t with her own family for Christmas. She’ll tell them how she wants to make movies about blonde angels with eyes bluer than highest heavens, how Clarke challenged her and almost broke her, how she’d rather spend time with the love of her life than with two miserable old people. She’ll tell them too much, and she won’t even regret it and after lunch, she’ll retreat into Clarke’s childhood bedroom, and she’ll hold the blonde close to her as they lie in a comfortable silence.

 

Lexa may love films, but as she lies with Clarke in her arms, she thinks that maybe she’s finally found someone that she loves even more.


End file.
